tee hee hee...so yeah, Happy Holidays!

i'm thinking nasal spray may be the solution?

Hello Lyza Jane!
Here's your horoscope for DECEMBER 21, 2006 .

Sagittarius
Date of Birth: December 20

You must be wondering: What in the world is going on? On the one hand, you have thoughts that are rather humanistic and harmonious about both your family and your career. But on the other hand, you also have a deep desire to destroy everything in order to start fresh! So you will have to choose. In any case, given the current climate and the fire inside of you, any sort of compromise will prove difficult today. Be careful not to go too far overboard, Lyza Jane!

happy birthday to me (well in 2 days, but whatever)

i think we all find inspiration in different places. i know that the first time i saw garden state, it changed my life. funny i know, but i’m sure i wasn’t the only one either, so shut the fuck up. it made me want to stop taking my meds – because i had been on them so long, because i had been on them long enough. so one day i decided to change my life.

when i woke up from the detoxified fog – and let me tell you that was no pretty picture – it was like everything was in color again and it all moved so fast. i moved so fast. slowly the background noise that had been drown out by the drugs, had found it’s way back into my head, it all returned. and i knew it would always be there. and for the first time in my life, i was ok with that. my head is messy sometimes and it’s loud all of the time, but i believe this is me, and i’ve realized that i’m ok with that too. as my mind returned to it’s chaos, i began remembering what it was that i had been trying to escape in the first place…so the first little steps i made we not forward, they were backward. and so back in time i went.

it has been a strange year. there has been so much pain and anger and screaming rage and frustration and tears – and there have also been so many good and strong and pure happy moments. moments where i knew myself wholly and truly, moments that i wanted to be in forever, moments that i revisit and suck the marrow from when the noise gets too loud. it was the first time i said, “it wasn’t my fault” and i actually believed it. with that admission came a windfall of release and for that moment i will be eternally grateful.

i hated most of this year, and i can honestly say most of it sucked. but then i smile to myself and i know deep down in my heart, i wouldn’t trade it for anything. i wouldn’t be me if i hadn’t lived thru it. and you wouldn't be you. and somehow that just makes it all ok.

hope floats

i floated home last friday on a cold numb breeze. i hate how i torment myself the way i do. i’m so scared of what is happening in my head…i’ve felt so strong for so long, putting on my brave smile – as if today was a new day and somehow it was going to be different than yesterday. as if i keep waking up each morning and lying to myself that i am going to try today to be more like the person i wish i could be, that it would really happen.

i’m hoping this is just a place that i’ve stubbed my toe and that it is ok to sit down for a minute and cry over that pain. i’m hoping that it won’t hurt too long and that i will soon resume my walk thru life. i’m hoping it’s all just me admitting the truth to myself and just being sad at what the truth really is – being afraid of that truth because it’s not really in the comfortable realm of what has become my reality. i’m hoping that i don’t allow the fear of stubbing my toe again to stop me from standing back up. i’m hoping that one day the happy moments will be longer – maybe even last an hour or two. i’m hoping that someday i won’t be so afraid of myself. i’m hoping that the road i choose is the one i really want, not the one that others want for me. i’m hoping that someday i will stop living in my head and start living outside of myself.

the man with the perfect moustache.

i've recently been presented with a situation involving some very dear old friends. one of them is dying, the rest are the people that love him...or what we thought was him. you see it turns out *dave has been dying for some time, and maybe he knew and maybe he didn't. there are other things about dave's life that are coming out now, things he felt the need to keep only to himself. suddenly the people in dave's life that love him are faced with the question of understanding, and anger at the choices of this man to keep his illness and sadness to himself.

this situation has had my head spinning for days now. it has made me think of the important people that i have in my life and what i know about them, what i chose to let them know about me. it has made me think about the little lies we all tell everyday...we all fake a smile every now and again. and sometimes, even though it may be wrong, we lie not to save the feelings of ourselves, but to protect the feelings of the people that love us.

i think esta' said it best when she said that if he's been lying this whole time, how tragic that is. it is, it really is so very tragic. to feel so tortured by the truth of who you are that you would chose to lie for your whole life, to everyone that loves you, about who you really are. to have such contempt for oneself must have been a terrible burden for him. we all have our own demons that haunt us, and i hope so much for him that in this time, in this time of dying, in this opportunity to make amends, that he finds some peace with himself. and that we as the people that love him can get past our anger and feelings of betrayal, there's always time for that later...but now, right now, we have the ability to dig deep, in those quiet spaces where we see ourselves for who we really are, and find the forgiveness to love him right now, because right now is when he needs us the most. and it is now, in his final hour that our friendships are being tested...i don't want him to be right in thinking that those that he loves, in the end would turn their backs on him if he ever told the truth. if we are true to ourselves, if we know what is real in our hearts, we know that he loved us...that was real...if nothing else...

would it have made a difference if he had shared his pain? would it make the time and love that we shared with him any more real than what it already is in our hearts and minds? would we have made the same choice if we were in his position? how can we know what we would decide if we were faced with the same decisions, with the same life that led to those decisions?

dave was as honest with me about who he was to the extent that he was capable...who am i to judge to what extent he felt safe in sharing himself with me, with anyone? dave shared with me a glimpse of himself, he didn't or couldn't share his whole being with me...for that i will be eternally sad. but the fact that he knew me, that he was a part of my life, that i got to share a little piece of his sunshine, that i will always call him my friend...for that i will be eternally grateful.

world AIDS day

let us not forget the one's we love, the one's that loved us too...