hope floats

i floated home last friday on a cold numb breeze. i hate how i torment myself the way i do. i’m so scared of what is happening in my head…i’ve felt so strong for so long, putting on my brave smile – as if today was a new day and somehow it was going to be different than yesterday. as if i keep waking up each morning and lying to myself that i am going to try today to be more like the person i wish i could be, that it would really happen.

i’m hoping this is just a place that i’ve stubbed my toe and that it is ok to sit down for a minute and cry over that pain. i’m hoping that it won’t hurt too long and that i will soon resume my walk thru life. i’m hoping it’s all just me admitting the truth to myself and just being sad at what the truth really is – being afraid of that truth because it’s not really in the comfortable realm of what has become my reality. i’m hoping that i don’t allow the fear of stubbing my toe again to stop me from standing back up. i’m hoping that one day the happy moments will be longer – maybe even last an hour or two. i’m hoping that someday i won’t be so afraid of myself. i’m hoping that the road i choose is the one i really want, not the one that others want for me. i’m hoping that someday i will stop living in my head and start living outside of myself.