the man with the perfect moustache.

i've recently been presented with a situation involving some very dear old friends. one of them is dying, the rest are the people that love him...or what we thought was him. you see it turns out *dave has been dying for some time, and maybe he knew and maybe he didn't. there are other things about dave's life that are coming out now, things he felt the need to keep only to himself. suddenly the people in dave's life that love him are faced with the question of understanding, and anger at the choices of this man to keep his illness and sadness to himself.

this situation has had my head spinning for days now. it has made me think of the important people that i have in my life and what i know about them, what i chose to let them know about me. it has made me think about the little lies we all tell everyday...we all fake a smile every now and again. and sometimes, even though it may be wrong, we lie not to save the feelings of ourselves, but to protect the feelings of the people that love us.

i think esta' said it best when she said that if he's been lying this whole time, how tragic that is. it is, it really is so very tragic. to feel so tortured by the truth of who you are that you would chose to lie for your whole life, to everyone that loves you, about who you really are. to have such contempt for oneself must have been a terrible burden for him. we all have our own demons that haunt us, and i hope so much for him that in this time, in this time of dying, in this opportunity to make amends, that he finds some peace with himself. and that we as the people that love him can get past our anger and feelings of betrayal, there's always time for that later...but now, right now, we have the ability to dig deep, in those quiet spaces where we see ourselves for who we really are, and find the forgiveness to love him right now, because right now is when he needs us the most. and it is now, in his final hour that our friendships are being tested...i don't want him to be right in thinking that those that he loves, in the end would turn their backs on him if he ever told the truth. if we are true to ourselves, if we know what is real in our hearts, we know that he loved us...that was real...if nothing else...

would it have made a difference if he had shared his pain? would it make the time and love that we shared with him any more real than what it already is in our hearts and minds? would we have made the same choice if we were in his position? how can we know what we would decide if we were faced with the same decisions, with the same life that led to those decisions?

dave was as honest with me about who he was to the extent that he was capable...who am i to judge to what extent he felt safe in sharing himself with me, with anyone? dave shared with me a glimpse of himself, he didn't or couldn't share his whole being with me...for that i will be eternally sad. but the fact that he knew me, that he was a part of my life, that i got to share a little piece of his sunshine, that i will always call him my friend...for that i will be eternally grateful.