happy birthday to me (well in 2 days, but whatever)

i think we all find inspiration in different places. i know that the first time i saw garden state, it changed my life. funny i know, but i’m sure i wasn’t the only one either, so shut the fuck up. it made me want to stop taking my meds – because i had been on them so long, because i had been on them long enough. so one day i decided to change my life.

when i woke up from the detoxified fog – and let me tell you that was no pretty picture – it was like everything was in color again and it all moved so fast. i moved so fast. slowly the background noise that had been drown out by the drugs, had found it’s way back into my head, it all returned. and i knew it would always be there. and for the first time in my life, i was ok with that. my head is messy sometimes and it’s loud all of the time, but i believe this is me, and i’ve realized that i’m ok with that too. as my mind returned to it’s chaos, i began remembering what it was that i had been trying to escape in the first place…so the first little steps i made we not forward, they were backward. and so back in time i went.

it has been a strange year. there has been so much pain and anger and screaming rage and frustration and tears – and there have also been so many good and strong and pure happy moments. moments where i knew myself wholly and truly, moments that i wanted to be in forever, moments that i revisit and suck the marrow from when the noise gets too loud. it was the first time i said, “it wasn’t my fault” and i actually believed it. with that admission came a windfall of release and for that moment i will be eternally grateful.

i hated most of this year, and i can honestly say most of it sucked. but then i smile to myself and i know deep down in my heart, i wouldn’t trade it for anything. i wouldn’t be me if i hadn’t lived thru it. and you wouldn't be you. and somehow that just makes it all ok.