wonderland

breathless, she comes to a clearing. she stops at the edge, where the trees meet the field, looking into the new found emptiness. she must cross, she must get to the other side. but like shark infested waters, there is danger ahead. tucked deep in the thickets of the snake grass. hiding behind that boulder off in the distance, on the other side of the field.

she knows what she has to do. it's been a long time coming. and in many ways this feels like the end of the road to her. if this doesn't work...but she doesn't want to think about that right now.

like Alice in Wonderland, in the palm of her hand she holds a tiny white pill imprinted with the words 'eat me'. rolling it back and forth there in her palm, trying to guess if it will make her big or small or maybe have no affect at all. wondering, 'will i be a different person tomorrow if i swallow this today?'

if she eats the pill is it an admission that she really is crazy? that there is something truly and inherently wrong with her? the highs can be so powerful. she's never felt out of control, but sometimes she feels intoxicated simply feeding off the essence of the people around her. feeding off their energy, exhausting her own.

the lows are harder for her to control. moments when tears well in her eyes. she's trained them to not let go. she doesn't cry much anymore.