exposed

well, fall has finally made it’s way to our doorways. it rained for seven straight days here in the great state. at first it was a welcome event as our well has needed the nourishment and it has been a particularly dry summer. by the end of the week though, i was feeling the pull. down into the puddles that were on every street, in every pothole and rut, in every leaf left on the trees, and in that which was becoming my heart.

the leaves have covered my yard with a fine first of many layers to come. and the wind is crisp and brings with it the chill that goes to the bone. catfish’s old winter jacket makes a fine blanket as i huddle on the steps in an attempt to catch just a glimpse of the already fading sunlight. it is moving down in the sky and casts shadows with the moving trees.

i don’t know why i am always trying to push catfish away. sometimes i try to imagine what life would be like without him. but i know it can never happen and so then i become afraid and ashamed at these thoughts. fearing that my thoughts alone could cause some harm to come to him. and i feel guilt for that which hasn’t even happened.

the fact is, is that i miss him when i’m not near him. i think about him, moments in my day, moments i’d like to share with him. times i just want to have him hold me. tell me i’m ok and feel safe in the warmth of the embrace i know he will give me when i see him next. i do love him. this man who has seen me, naked to the world, demons and monsters exposed, and told me he never wants to be without me. this man who has forgiven me, even when i couldn’t forgive myself.

sometimes i hate him for loving me. how strange that is to me – to be angry at love. there were times that i would wish he would have just cut me loose, let me go. others i’m glad he helped me fight for my sanity. but sometimes in those dark places i go, the places i cannot take him, the places where i hate even myself, that’s where i find it hard to love him. for how could he love a creature such as this?

i know i live a lie. there is no strength here, there never was. there was no bravery in that fifteen year old little girl who couldn’t tell her mom that something bad had happened to her. there was no strength left after the dejection of that scared child that told her 6th grade guidance counselor that something wasn’t right. she lied about her fears and covered them with what she knew would be acceptable. then when it came time to tell her parents, she lied to them too. and where was that strong woman who spread her legs over and over and was afraid to say ‘no’ because she thought this was the road to being loved, by others, by herself? where was she when she had doubts about getting married so young? she couldn’t find her voice to say, ‘maybe we should wait awhile.’ she let herself be pulled, moving without thinking, never stopping to say, ‘wait, maybe i want something else. maybe this isn’t right for me.’ and why did she want to get pregnant just because esta’ was? was it to feel closer to this woman that didn’t want to feel closer to her? why does she want to know people that don’t want to know her? feeling rejection and disappointment – always allowing herself to have what should be normal expectations of the people she cares about. always allowing herself the letdown – the letdown she would never show them, because they don’t want to see it, they don’t want to know. why can’t she just let them go when she knows it will just come again if she doesn’t?



i dance on the edge of sanity. i can see myself there, floating. there, i am beautiful, graceful, calm and light.
i slip sometimes. dancing in the dark. dancing on the edge of madness. i know this is reality. i have felt the flash of rage run my veins at the thought of making a simple decision. the inability to reason, however momentary, is causing me to crack.
i dance on the edge of sanity. confusion is what is real. i feel as though i am walking thru a cloud. haze in my mind, haze in my eyes. dead, no life. exhaustion.
there is a fine line between sanity and chaos. i find sanity in the chaos. the chaos taking over now. after all these years. taking me to places darker than before. places i am afraid i will never escape. the dark eating the day. piece by piece, moment by moment.