random thoughts

sometimes i really hate being on the road. today is not one of those days. the sun is out, but not too hot. i’ve stopped on ct-15 at the service station just outside of hamden...heading back to the office. i have so much to write about, so many thoughts swimming, that i’m finding it difficult to concentrate. but i’m also finding it hard to find time to sit down, and when i do, i can’t seem to focus on one thing. more later...now i need to drive again. just needed to acknowledge the chaos of my mind.

home now. audrey on the couch with a snack, aladdin is playing in the vcr. (yes, i still own and use a vcr – damn technology!) sometimes i feel so guilty when we watch movies, but sometimes i’m just too damn tired to keep up with her – especially after a full day of working and being on the road.

i’ve been trying most of the day to hone in on which swimming thought is standing closest to the front of my mind. surprisingly, it’s new...one that just came to me while i was driving. i’ve been thinking about my shado this afternoon. tonight is the papa roach show at toad’s place in new haven. like two weeks ago i talked to my shado about going or possibly the mars volta show in ma next tuesday – he was excited and said he would let me know. but, i haven’t heard word one from him. i do so enjoy spending time with him and its hard to find other people that share some of my musical tastes, and it makes me sad. sad to have not heard from him. sad because i don’t know if he is hiding – in which case, i understand as i hide all the time – or if it just hasn’t occurred to him to get back to me – in which case i have to say, why do i keep attracting people into my life that forget about me? it’s like a sickness. why is it that the people i want to spend time with or i want to think of me, just don’t? or if they do, they never think to let me know. sad equals me for me because feeling connected to people happens so infrequently in my life. like when catfish and i first met...even that didn’t last as he blew me off in the beginning, then he fought for me, then forgot about me, then fought for me, then turned his back on me, and is fighting for me again now – like a toy yo-yo.

i’ve been thinking about how lolee fits into it all. or does she? is this something i’m just making up in my head? she came into our lives just over a year ago. and i love her, and catfish loves her too. and i wonder, as he was pulling away from me this past year, was he connecting to her at the same time? it seems as though maybe he was having an emotional affair long before i had an actual affair. when i think about his reaction to her leaving, the things he said about her – how long had he been feeling these things about her and just wasn’t aware of it? it all makes me wonder how long until it happens again? until he finds someone or something else to share himself with and withdraw from me? he told me yesterday that he has a hard time being himself with me. how long has he felt like that? has he always felt that way – all those years of ‘handling’ me...was he himself then? the walking on eggshells so as to not crush my fragile ego...was he himself then? or is it just recently, now that i’ve been asking him to step outside his comfort zone? to look at how his actions affect me? and now as he feels like he is tiptoeing around himself, does he not like the person he is becoming? and how will lolee coming home in june affect us all?

this wasn’t a post i was originally going to put up...i’ve been trying to confront my relationships head on instead of thru this public vehicle. but time isn’t always my friend...


theme song for today: a whole new world – aladdin soundtrack