so there...

sunday morning smiles

yeah, it's pretty great to have a kid who thinks it's good fun to pass the time by searching the yard for "beautiful flowers for you mom".


yeah, it's pretty great, i'm not gonna lie.

i forgive you.

still miss you

i still miss him, everyday. everyday.


every now and then, i think i see him out of the corner of my eye...but it's usually just a shadow. i still miss his smell, his sweet baby boy smell. when i would come home and he would meet me at the door, i would nuzzle my nose deep into the scruff of his neck...he smelled like home. he was my home for as long as he was alive...moving across the country and back again, he was the only constant in my life and as long as he was with me, i knew i was never alone. when i'm sad i still cry that he isn't here to tuck his nose under my chin, looking me in the eye and running his cheek against my cheek...so i would know i was loved, even when i wasn't feeling very lovable.


baby girl has asked more than once for a new cat...she also has requested a dog a time or two. but every once in awhile she says his name. she tells a story about how he always liked to play with her when she was (fill in the blank here). they were friends. they had always been friends, since the first time they met. while i know that she has been long past ready for a new kitten, i just haven't been able to bring myself to do it again.


i still miss you, everyday. everyday.

rite of passage

there are just certain moments when you're a kid that are considered true rites of passage. on monday my daughter had one. no this was not her first trip to the emergency room...that would be the time when she was two and i slept in late and while i was sleeping she proceeded to accidentally break a necklace letting loose what seemed like hundreds of little beads. not too little, just small enough for her to decide to put one in each nostril and then suddenly realize she couldn't get them out. now that would be the first trip. after the doctor used his six inch needle nose tweezers to remove the little silver devils, he wanted to know if i wanted them back...umm no, but thanks for asking.

the second trip was just one of those, oh shit i just looked in her throat and it's all white and yucky and fuck it's probably strep and it's sunday and the doctor's office is closed but there is an emergency room less than a ¼ mile down the street and this kid needs to get on antibiotics asap so that she can go to school because they have that whole 24 hour contagious rule thing and that means that some one is going to have to call in sick for the next day already and lets flip a coin, kind of visits. it was all good in the end except, since when did the penicillin not come in the pink bubble gum flavor?

this was a trip of a different sort. this was a, i'm at grandma's house in vermont and i was running to get the phone and i tripped and hit my head on the stairs and now i'm bleeding profusely from a big gash on my upper eye, kind of trips. i have to say that once i knew she was ok, i was comforted by the fact that she was with her grandma. grandma is good and had raised a child who had more than one visit to the emergency room in his day.

so there i am monday, sitting at work when i get the call. i thought about making the drive to be there, but by the time i would have gotten there it would have been all over anyway. she ended up needing five stitches...they said she was amazing when the doctor was putting them in. she laid still and did exactly what she was told...her biggest concern wasn't that they were going to have to sew her up, but was instead what color string were these stitches going to be? and could she have red please? and no, we only have turquoise...and oh, ok, turquoise would do then. (yes she really said that.) grandma said that at some point as she was laying there being perfectly still, a tiny tear rolled out from underneath the infamous blue sheet, and a little voice asked, "grandma? can you please sing itsy bitsy, like mom does?"




her first shiner and her first stitches...who would have thought a mom could be so proud?

i can't believe i missed it!