demons(trative)

“what do you want to do?”
“i want to cry”, i whisper…i let the words slip out, fuck i let the words come out because i usually hold them all inside, inside, i hold them all inside where no one can see them and no one can hear them and i keep them all inside but i let them slip out and i do cry and a silent tear rolls down my cheek but it’s dark and you don’t see so i wipe it away. i want to cry so i go into the bathroom and shut the door and i cry because i can cry there i can cry alone, always alone where no one can see me and no one can hear me, big silent tears rolling down my cheeks, shoulders heaving with pain to scream and i look at myself in the mirror above the sink, i look at myself and i ask, “how did i get here?” how did i get here to this place that i am, to this place that i never meant to be, how did i get to this place where i only cry silent tears and he tells me he doesn’t want me to leave he tells me he doesn’t think it would be any different for me anywhere else, not on my own and this man, this man who has known me almost half my life, this man who is supposed to know me the best, this man who has a very special way of making me feel small, how could he be wrong? i’m so small so very small inside sometimes and sometimes i believe him and sometimes i know he is wrong but here i am, how did i get here to this place that i hate, spending days in a job that has no meaning that takes me away from my little girl, the little girl that means everything, the little girl that means the only thing how did i get to this place where his love makes me feel so small, like nothing and i am forgotten and i forget and i close the bathroom door and cry my silent tears. i live in this box, my box, a box that was created by the decisions i’ve made, by decisions i’ve allowed to be made for me and i sit in this box with no bottom, this box that is just a black hole and i see no way out and i’m boxed in by this place that we live and the limits of this life that i’ve allowed to be created in my name in this box and i can’t get out and i have no idea how i got to this place how did i get here? i want to cry, so i cry some more in the bathroom with the door shut and my body shakes and my eyes go red and i silence my voice and i let the water run to muffle the cries that keep escaping me, this box that i’ve made for myself is killing me in silence and i will turn the water off in a minute when i’m finished crying and i will open the door and i will pretend that i was only washing my face because my face is clean now but my eyes are still red so i won’t look at him i won’t let him see and i will hide in the shadows and turn the light off and lay in bed silently until sleep finds me but i will dream in the box in the box that i live in, i will dream of the walls and the limits and the joyless smiles that i pretend to smile to all the people that i smile at when really i’m dying inside, but i have to be ok, i have to be ok for her because she needs me and i need her and she is the only thing that matters anyway.

happy Mother's day!

my daughter comes from a long line of artists. not on my side of the family of course, but artists nonetheless. when she visits with her grandparents in vermont she spends a great deal of time drawing pictures with her grandpa. as there is not much about her grandpa's influence that i appreciate, i very much encourage this activity.

i picked up baby girl from school this past week and she gave me a picture...of me! it's not that she hasn't been drawing people for sometime now, but this was the first time she ever gave me a picture of a person and said, "here mom, this is for you. it's you!" my heart melted and i felt all warm and fuzzy inside...of course as soon as we got home i hung it on the refrigerator! if you notice, i have gynormous ears, and i've always wanted tri-colored hair...i even have toes!


later that evening i overheard her showing it to her dad..."dad, did you see the picture i drew for mom? it's mom. see, there's her vagina." and yes friends, there between my legs, is in fact my vagina...she told me later that the circle above my vagina is my butt, and the one above that is my belly button. apparently i have breasts too...i've been wondering though, what happened to my fingers?!

a mother's love

these recent warm days, baby girl and i have made it a habit of spending time in the park together after school. we usually play in the park for a bit then walk the grassy path to the lake before we head home for dinner.

this week she found one of her friends from school who has graduated to kindergarten. she was so excited to see him, calling his name to verify that it was really him. she asked if i would push her on the swings, as her friend is big enough to jump up by himself and get himself going...one day she'll be able to reach too. as i was pushing her, higher and higher and she squealed with delight and vigor at the ability to just scream in her outside voice without mommy asking her to bring it down a notch, her little friend's mom came over and sat nearby. he had an older sister who was twisting and turning in the tire-swing to our right, and mom held a baby who hadn't quite reached the age of one yet.

i watched with a bit of awe the interaction between these siblings and the obvious love their mother had for each of them, all the while pushing baby girl back and forth. i thought about growing up with my brother, when we were this age, when we still had childish fun together. i loved having an older brother, knowing that i always had someone to play with, knowing that i would never be alone, knowing that he would always protect me, always defend me, always try to keep me safe...and for the most part, he did. it wasn't until much later in life that we found ourselves on very different paths, but they have always been paths that bring us back together, if only for brief moments in time.

as time to go home neared, baby girl and i walked to the lake. she slipped her hand in mine, looked up at me and said, "i love you mommy!" when we got to the beach baby girl took her shoes and socks off, rolled up her jeans and put her feet in the water. she glanced at me over her shoulder, with a smile, "it's still cold!" then she turned back around and watched the tiny waves hitting her ankles, wiggling her toes in the wet sand under the water. i watched her, so perfect in her 4 year old thoughtfulness, so perfect in her still innocent beauty, and for the first time i felt pangs of sadness for her. i felt a longing for her to have a sibling. i felt fear for her that she may one day feel alone. and i felt worry and wondered if my love, my affection, my companionship could ever be enough.

the moment passed quickly as she bounded back over to me with a smile on her face, sat down on the beach next to me, and reached for her crackers and juice. we both walked back to the car barefoot for the first time all season, enjoying the soft new grass between our toes. along the way we found perfect pinecones to add to the collection we've been keeping at home.

later that night, as she was sleeping safe and sound in her bed, i crept in to pull the blankets up, move her away from the edge of the bed, kiss her one last time...i brushed the hair away from her face and watched her dreaming...her breath steady, her face serene, her beauty endless. a few minutes later i crawled into my own bed and i cried for her.

the hint of a spark

something keeps trying to come out
but it won't come out
something is trying to come out
but it hasn't come out
it's on the tip of my tongue
i can feel it
right there on the tip of my tongue
maybe you can hear it

i have something to say
but i've yet to find the words
they're coming
from the pit of my stomach
from the tips of my toes
they really don't have far to travel
i'm sure they'll be here soon

will you wait around to see them?
will you wait around to see?
i swear they'll be here
eventually

maybe i'll sing them
maybe i'll shout
there are words in there
they just haven't come out

park + camera phone = big smiles

...i heart my camera phone!