a mother's love

these recent warm days, baby girl and i have made it a habit of spending time in the park together after school. we usually play in the park for a bit then walk the grassy path to the lake before we head home for dinner.

this week she found one of her friends from school who has graduated to kindergarten. she was so excited to see him, calling his name to verify that it was really him. she asked if i would push her on the swings, as her friend is big enough to jump up by himself and get himself going...one day she'll be able to reach too. as i was pushing her, higher and higher and she squealed with delight and vigor at the ability to just scream in her outside voice without mommy asking her to bring it down a notch, her little friend's mom came over and sat nearby. he had an older sister who was twisting and turning in the tire-swing to our right, and mom held a baby who hadn't quite reached the age of one yet.

i watched with a bit of awe the interaction between these siblings and the obvious love their mother had for each of them, all the while pushing baby girl back and forth. i thought about growing up with my brother, when we were this age, when we still had childish fun together. i loved having an older brother, knowing that i always had someone to play with, knowing that i would never be alone, knowing that he would always protect me, always defend me, always try to keep me safe...and for the most part, he did. it wasn't until much later in life that we found ourselves on very different paths, but they have always been paths that bring us back together, if only for brief moments in time.

as time to go home neared, baby girl and i walked to the lake. she slipped her hand in mine, looked up at me and said, "i love you mommy!" when we got to the beach baby girl took her shoes and socks off, rolled up her jeans and put her feet in the water. she glanced at me over her shoulder, with a smile, "it's still cold!" then she turned back around and watched the tiny waves hitting her ankles, wiggling her toes in the wet sand under the water. i watched her, so perfect in her 4 year old thoughtfulness, so perfect in her still innocent beauty, and for the first time i felt pangs of sadness for her. i felt a longing for her to have a sibling. i felt fear for her that she may one day feel alone. and i felt worry and wondered if my love, my affection, my companionship could ever be enough.

the moment passed quickly as she bounded back over to me with a smile on her face, sat down on the beach next to me, and reached for her crackers and juice. we both walked back to the car barefoot for the first time all season, enjoying the soft new grass between our toes. along the way we found perfect pinecones to add to the collection we've been keeping at home.

later that night, as she was sleeping safe and sound in her bed, i crept in to pull the blankets up, move her away from the edge of the bed, kiss her one last time...i brushed the hair away from her face and watched her dreaming...her breath steady, her face serene, her beauty endless. a few minutes later i crawled into my own bed and i cried for her.