maybe tomorrow?

today was the first time since peanut died that i have been able to clean my house. i don’t know if i consciously knew i had been avoiding it, but i had. i finally swept the hardwood floors, finding peanut’s whiskers in the mix of his hair and dust. i’ve been collecting his whiskers since he was just a baby – i’m not sure why, i just always picked them up and smiled, knowing he had been in that place – like good luck, or maybe good love. i vacuumed the cobwebs from the ceiling, vacuumed and shook out the carpets, dusted the furniture...my whole body hurts – i’m still recovering from last week’s sudden motivation to do yard work, lots and lots of yard work...i finally threw away the remaining cat food and actually scrubbed out the container that held it for so many years...

but i still couldn’t bring myself to clean the room where peanut died. i go in that room all the time, i just haven’t been able to bring myself to wash the bedspread yet – with the last of peanut’s hair in the spot that he liked to sleep in, in the window...i couldn’t vacuum, i couldn’t dust, i couldn’t do anything in that room, yet...

i still see him everywhere, am still reminded of him daily, still miss him everyday. today catfish was in the basement moving things around, he took me down to show me...there on the floor, from the work we had done last year, in the cement over by the sump-pump, were peanut’s footprints...even now, now that he is gone, he is still in my life, still finding ways to let me know he was here...

maybe tomorrow i’ll clean that room...maybe not though.