3 days and counting.

peanut died yesterday. when baby girl and i got home we went to check on him, and he was gone. he died while i was at work, alone. i know he isn't in pain anymore, and there is some comfort in that, but i miss him just the same. i keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye, that Zen peripheral vision. i keep expecting to trip over him at the door or have him underfoot while i'm in the kitchen. every sound i can't identify the source of, and i have to remind myself that it's not him.

this has always been a stressful time of year for me anyway. the count down has begun to my anniversary. 3 days and counting. i've decided to try a little something different this year. i took the day off from work for a little day tripping to PA. there's an exhibit there i've wanted to see for some time now. so the diet coke is chilling in the fridge and i'm loading my ipod with a new playlist or two in anticipation.

this little jaunt was originally supposed to be part of a larger trip. a trip home. but work prohibited the extended time off. august will bring the rest of the journey. it's been 10 years since i've been to lima. the last trip i made was with robb - from nelsonville to dayton to lima and back to athens, all in one day! (for those of you not familiar with the layout of ohio, we drove across the state and back again. it takes about 8 hours roundtrip, but we should estimate 9 or 10 for this trip given situational circumstances.) i just talked to robb two days ago. it was the first time in 3 years. hearing his voice pulled me in; his words slow and warm like hot chocolate on a cold fall night, so familiar, so safe. i think he and i will be friends for all our lives. we try not to get too upset with each other for becoming involved in our lives, losing track. it's more like, “hey i remember you. where the fuck have you been? i love you too.”

i haven't told him yet what this trip is about, and i know he won't care either way. he told me he just wants me to come home. me and him need to have a little face time. i forget sometimes, when i feel so far away from everything that seems real, that there are people in this world that love me, not matter what. that's a nice feeling on the day after yesterday.

3 days and counting. this year i'm thinking of it as more of a birthday than an anniversary - trying to anyway. the way i see it, a piece of me died that day and someone else was born, someone else woke up in my bed the next morning. i think it's time for her to step out now - she's hid behind shame and guilt for too long. it is, after all, our sweet sixteen. even after all this time i've never told my parents. i guess there has always been that little girl inside me that didn't have the courage to say, “i was raped.”, who didn't know or understand that it wasn't her fault, that was already so disconnected from the world that there was no one to explain that what happen was wrong and her feelings were justified. that's part of the trip home - no more secrets about who i was, who i became, who i am.

i'm scared as hell. but i'm kind of ok with that, being scared i mean. it feels a bit insane to say this, but even though this has been the most chaotic time in my life - with baby girl, peanut getting sick and then dying, the move at work, the seemingly unresolved issues with catfish, the 3 days and counting - i feel more in control of my life at this moment than ever before, and it feels good.

there's more of course, but i'm just not ready to go there. and if you're completely lost as to the whole "3 days and counting" thing, you should read the july 2005 archives...go on, the link is right there to your left. no your other left dumbass...geesh!