unexpected journey

it was a perfect start to my day. sometime between 5 and 6am sweet baby girl tapped my shoulder as i slept and whispered for me to move over. i lifted the sheet and she laid her head down next to mine, facing me, head tucked under my chin, wrapped in my arms. it’s hit or miss with her in the morning – sometimes she squirms and sings and rolls about until i finally get out of bed, but sometimes she will sleep and snuggle like an angel. on this morning of friday july 14, she was an angel – eskimo kisses and all!

i took my time getting up, enjoying those moments between wake and dream. saw the husband off to work and the daughter off to school. i poured coffee in my favorite mug, grabbed a cigarette, and sat on the porch enjoying the morning and the little time that was left before the humidity of the day set in. i was determined not to feel rushed, there was no sense of urgency.

i was heading out to the reading, pa museum to see the post secret exhibit, and bonus, they have a temporary exhibit of keith haring’s work. the hours of the museum are ridiculous – on friday’s they are only open until 5pm – but that should have been enough time.

with rush hour passed, i headed out on 84e.

it was a beautiful day – the sky was blue, the sun was high, and although i hate driving on 84, the traffic continued to thin out the further east i drove. did i mention that the sun was high? by the time i crossed into ny, i was baking in my car. i stopped at the wall kill rest area just before the pa border to stretch my legs and use the hand dryer to dry the sweat from the back of my shirt!



i had decided to take the scenic route thru pa – it was beautiful and i kept telling myself i wasn’t in a hurry. just outside of port jervis i took 209s, which doesn’t allow commercial trucks once you get south of milford. i had intended to take that to 33s in stroudsburg to 78w in allentown which would have taken me to 222s straight into reading. (Jesus, i have no idea why you would need that kind of information!)

once passed milford, 209s runs along the deleware river. the highway is only two lanes and the road is lined with thick vegetation, forest, open fields, corn fields, places to camp, places to launch your boat, places to canoe. it was gorgeous, and again, the sun was still high! about 40 or 50 miles down 209s there was a turn off – a boat launch, picnic area – and i decided to pull over. i needed to stretch and pee anyway...i hadn’t intended for this to be my final destination, but it ended up that way.



i walked a distance, sat down next to the river, put my feet in and just was.

i ate my lunch, smoked a cigarette or two, wrote for awhile, lay in the shade and watched the sky. by the time i got back to my car it was too late to continue to reading. the museum would be closed or about to close when i got there and this is an exhibit that will demand my full attention for more than a few minutes. sure i could have continued, stayed the night, gone the next day, but it would have defeated the purpose of the day. besides both the day and the exhibit deserve a certain amount of attention and respect, maybe it was too much to ask of myself to spread it too thin.

no matter. i’ve always been pretty calm when a well laid plan is altered, shifted, canceled, or altogether unachievable. i’m pretty able to roll in most situations – for me it’s about the journey, not the destination. and it was a great journey – and a perfect destination unknown!

highlight replays of the day:
• realizing at some point that i had dried blood down the back of my leg from a shaving cut. hmmm, no wonder those people were looking at me funny.
• sweating balls on the way there and then actually using the air conditioning on the way home. (whatever, gas is expensive bitches!)
• i had two truckers honk and wave at me in traffic between danbury and waterbury on my way home. (kinda ewww! but there really isn't much else to do in traffic, or something.)
• i drove 345 miles round trip and spent between 61/2 and 7 hours in the car. (yes i drive like your momma’s great aunt betty!) AND i still had more than a ¼ of a tank of gas in my car when i got home.
• the indigo girls live mix that i turned on once i hit 209s.

select indigo girls play list recommendations for a satisfying day trip include:
tried to be true
prince of darkness
kid fears
left me a fool
all along the watch tower
123
pushing the needle to far
tangled up in blue
dead man’s hill
thin line
i don’t wanna know
land of canaan

(all songs from either back on the bus ya'll or 12:00 curfew albums. put it together and give it a spin. you won’t regret it, i promise!)

3 days and counting.

peanut died yesterday. when baby girl and i got home we went to check on him, and he was gone. he died while i was at work, alone. i know he isn't in pain anymore, and there is some comfort in that, but i miss him just the same. i keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye, that Zen peripheral vision. i keep expecting to trip over him at the door or have him underfoot while i'm in the kitchen. every sound i can't identify the source of, and i have to remind myself that it's not him.

this has always been a stressful time of year for me anyway. the count down has begun to my anniversary. 3 days and counting. i've decided to try a little something different this year. i took the day off from work for a little day tripping to PA. there's an exhibit there i've wanted to see for some time now. so the diet coke is chilling in the fridge and i'm loading my ipod with a new playlist or two in anticipation.

this little jaunt was originally supposed to be part of a larger trip. a trip home. but work prohibited the extended time off. august will bring the rest of the journey. it's been 10 years since i've been to lima. the last trip i made was with robb - from nelsonville to dayton to lima and back to athens, all in one day! (for those of you not familiar with the layout of ohio, we drove across the state and back again. it takes about 8 hours roundtrip, but we should estimate 9 or 10 for this trip given situational circumstances.) i just talked to robb two days ago. it was the first time in 3 years. hearing his voice pulled me in; his words slow and warm like hot chocolate on a cold fall night, so familiar, so safe. i think he and i will be friends for all our lives. we try not to get too upset with each other for becoming involved in our lives, losing track. it's more like, “hey i remember you. where the fuck have you been? i love you too.”

i haven't told him yet what this trip is about, and i know he won't care either way. he told me he just wants me to come home. me and him need to have a little face time. i forget sometimes, when i feel so far away from everything that seems real, that there are people in this world that love me, not matter what. that's a nice feeling on the day after yesterday.

3 days and counting. this year i'm thinking of it as more of a birthday than an anniversary - trying to anyway. the way i see it, a piece of me died that day and someone else was born, someone else woke up in my bed the next morning. i think it's time for her to step out now - she's hid behind shame and guilt for too long. it is, after all, our sweet sixteen. even after all this time i've never told my parents. i guess there has always been that little girl inside me that didn't have the courage to say, “i was raped.”, who didn't know or understand that it wasn't her fault, that was already so disconnected from the world that there was no one to explain that what happen was wrong and her feelings were justified. that's part of the trip home - no more secrets about who i was, who i became, who i am.

i'm scared as hell. but i'm kind of ok with that, being scared i mean. it feels a bit insane to say this, but even though this has been the most chaotic time in my life - with baby girl, peanut getting sick and then dying, the move at work, the seemingly unresolved issues with catfish, the 3 days and counting - i feel more in control of my life at this moment than ever before, and it feels good.

there's more of course, but i'm just not ready to go there. and if you're completely lost as to the whole "3 days and counting" thing, you should read the july 2005 archives...go on, the link is right there to your left. no your other left dumbass...geesh!

Peanut

goodnight sweet boy.
sleep well tonight,
tomorrow,
forever.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you forever,
in that place
in my heart
that was carved out
just for
you.

(10/31/1998 - 7/10/2006)