Yesterday my rob got married. it was a bitter sweet evening. he is so the little brother i never had, and seeing as how he has only sisters, he pretty much has the little brother thing down. it was beautiful to watch him take that step with a woman he has known since he was a kid. it was beautiful to know they had given their hearts to each other so many years ago, and no matter how much time or distance kept them apart, they just kept finding their way back to each other.
i found that i had pangs of jealousy when i watched my rob’s family. the way they all knew each other. this family, four generations all in one room. and it was all so familiar to them, like this is a regular occurrence for them, they just had an excuse to get dressed up, go out and party together. the thing is, it is a regular occurrence. this family is in each other’s business constantly. and they fight, and bicker, and laugh, and love, and it is beautiful, and i’m jealous. jealous because my family will never be like that. sad because my family will never be like that. sad because i don’t have the desire to be like that with catfish’s family. they are in each other’s business too, they fight, and bicker, and laugh, and love, but i’ve never felt like i belonged...like his family is really just indifferent to my presence. they make me feel like my family – held at arm’s length, not really ‘accepted’ into the ‘family’. (it’s an italian thing ok?!)
with catfish’s parents, i just don’t know what to say about that. i can see that they love me. but there really is this underlying power struggle between me and his mom. a power struggle for his attention, for his connection. i always get the feeling when i talk to her that she is a little uncomfortable – like she’s holding something back – afraid to be herself around me – tiptoeing around herself – careful with her words. she has for a long time been ‘handling’ me. she only hears what catfish talks to her about, so how could she not walk on eggshells around me? i’m sure my behavior these last 8 months has become increasing confusing to her, and that coupled with catfish’s portrayal of events i’m sure have her thinking i’m spiraling into a depressed breakdown. i still picture the computer screen when catfish let me read one of her letters. i can hear it over and over in my head, ‘you (catfish) are the only stable force in audrey’s life right now.’ in the context of the whole letter it was like her saying i wasn’t fit to be a mother. the funny thing is, is that i have felt more rational, clear, and calm in these last 5 months than ever before in my life. there is a calm trying to get out – and i’m just trying to listen and follow what it tells me.
during the wedding ceremony and during some of the toasts at dinner i found so much of what was said to be overwhelming. overwhelming because they were speaking of the joys of marriage, the happiness and fulfillment it’s suppose to bring you, the ‘tough’ times you will go thru. what was overwhelming for me was the part about bringing God into your relationship. and it’s not really even about God – i think a relationship with God is so individual – but more the exploration of spirituality. this is a path catfish and i have never walked down together. he seems very cynical about even just discussing it, that i often find him hard to approach when i have thoughts about God or something i’ve been praying about. i’ve asked him over the years about what he believes in – how he views God in the grand scheme of life – he is always very short in his responses, never declarative. and he doesn’t engage me back, so i find it hard to share those thoughts with him. it is something that is becoming increasingly important to me in my spiritual growth and in my search for a smile.
the words that were spoken yesterday were overwhelming too because they were about feelings that i long for. it was like hearing someone read my wish list of everything i dream about happening and feeling in a relationship. i long to feel complete and to know that i complete someone else. (i long to feel complete in my own skin, but that is a discussion for another day.) but i know that i don’t complete catfish. i know he loves me. but i know i will never fill him. if i did, i would never have felt left behind and he would have never forgotten to take my hand in the first place.
Today was mother’s day. on friday catfish told me that we weren’t going out for brunch as planned. i must say it was impossible to hide my disappointment. in that moment i just knew that someone had waited til the last minute and there were no more reservations. and it was hard not to be disappointed by that. i wasn’t angry, but i remember feeling my heart sink a little.
but today i woke up without a hangover! yeah! and took my shower late, lounged, ate lobster, and had champagne. it was a wonderful meal. audrey gave me balloons, bubble bath, and candy land. all fantastic things for us to do together. my mother-in-law and i went to pick out some flowers for my gardens, and when we got home my in-laws left and catfish watched audrey so i could dig and plant in the gardens.
i love to dig up the gardens and plant. i love to get out there and get dirty and smell the soil when it’s turned over and talk to the plants as i put them in the ground, encouraging them to grow. it is like meditation for me – my body is always exhausted but my mind becomes clear, focused and energized. i was out there most of the day, and when i was done we went for a walk down to the lake. audrey went crazy throwing rocks and sticks into the water. she laughed and giggled, she praised herself when she would throw far or splash big – she is so beautiful and i love her with all my heart.
after catfish put audrey to bed we had sushi for dinner and fresh strawberries for dessert. it was a perfect day and i will sleep with a smile tonight.
