off and running?

somewhere along the way in this crazy maze of life, i lost touch with the love inside me. my love for myself, my husband, my life... it seems sometimes that just taking a breath is an overwhelming task. loss of interest in work, in reading, in writing, in playing, in music, in speaking out loud...it all seems so mundane. writing for the sake of writing...forcing myself to pick up the pen, put it to paper and move, just to keep my mind working. otherwise i am afraid i may slip and fall... fall into the darkest places of depression...that place i haven't been since i was 19 then 23...now 30? will it come again? after a seven year hiatus?

in my mind i can see me curled up in bed...not wanting to get up. and every morning when i first open my eyes, i have an argument in my head...'get out of bed.' 'fuck you, i'm not going anywhere.' 'no, fuck you...get your ass out of bed.' and so it goes on and on until my legs move and my feet hit the ground...

for my shado

i talked to my shado today. he has been sounding melancholy as of late. so i called for a chat. he is struggling with feelings he has for a friend and her reaction to those feelings. she believes she is unloveable and so she pushes away kindness and doesn't believe in truth. and for her i can say, i've walked that road before. it is a lonely, cold place. and so i offer her the dream time...

lying awake at night, no peace for the little girl. she closes her eyes to push the world away, but what lies there is emptiness. darkness covers her eyes and she gazes upon clouds of red and orange leading to endless blackholes. there she dances, falling from cloud to cloud. her pointed toe searching for solid ground, but instead she is engulfed in the brilliant colors, never ceasing to descend. is there an end?

night after night she dances alone. naked only to herself in her search for sanity. 'i'm not ok' she screams, 'i'm not...'. she doesn't understand what the world wants from her, why she can never be happy with the life she is living. she doesn't want to hurt others, but she hurts so much herself. pain causes pain causes pain causes pain... will it ever end?

she is trapped by her fear, caged like an animal clawing at the glass. her eyes wide, watching others have what she can only daydream of experiencing. she won't let herself shatter the glass. she is afraid of being cut by the jagged edges. she beats on the invisible wall, hurting her hand she cowers away, hiding in the corner. defeat once again. is there an end?

anger rages from defeat. she bangs her head against the wall. 'what's wrong with me? why can't i make it stop?' questions fill her mind, a quest for answers that are not hers to discover. she is cast once again among the clouds on a trip of her own as she swims endlessly in a blaze of fire. will it ever end? (me 6/7/95)

and for my shado and any other man who wishes to love this friend, have patience. have faith...faith that she will one day look in the mirror and see all of the beauty that the rest of the world sees. and i offer comes the dawn...

after awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
and you learn that love doesn't always mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
and you begin to accept your defeats
with you head up and eyes open.
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
and you learn to build your roads today,
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
after awhile you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong,
and you really do have worth.
and you learn and learn,
with every good-bye, you learn. (anonymous)

and the dawn will come. someday she will make the choice...but it is her choice to make. and until she has that realization, she will dance in the dreamtime...and there is no stopping her.

for my shado, i can say i've walked this road before too. and i offer him gray...

i have a friend
who is turning gray,
not just her hair,
and i do not know
why this is so.

is it lack of vitamin e
panthonic acid, or b-12?
or is it from being frantic
and alone?

'how long does it take you to love someone?'
i ask her.
'a hot second,' she replies.
'and how long do you love them?'
'oh, anywhere up to several months.'
'and how long does it take you to get over loving them?'
'three weeks,' she said, 'tops.'

did i mention i am also
turning gray?
it is because i adore this woman
who thinks of love
in this way. (alice walker)


hang in there my shado...don't be afraid to call. and remember that there is always a place in my basement for you!

thanks for the snow

fuck you staten island chuck...couldn't leave well enough alone could you? had to stomp on phil's territory...stick your fucking head out of the hole...stupid groundhog.

ask me how i am

quote of the day...

'it takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone...but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.'

happiness?

happiness is how we feel about ourselves
the good we think
the good we feel
the good we do
we are part of the dreamtime
happiness is one of the colors
there are shadow casters that trick us about happiness
we are taught to wish for things to make us happy
we are not taught to dream for happiness itself
we can't but happiness
we can't sell it
we can't steal it
we can't borrow it
we can't capture it
but we can create it
love can't bring us happiness
but happiness can bring us to love
power can't bring us happiness
but happiness can show us power
on the line of what is real and what really isn't
dream for happiness
somewhere between heart and mind
the spirit of life can be seen
happiness comes and awaits dream.

- john trudell

same story different day

it's another beautiful day. the sun is out and it is bright as hell outside. alone at last. audrey finally asleep. catfish gone to the store. another stolen moment as i have recently begun to calls these in my mind.

i just reread journals that i've had in my bedside drawer since before i was married, before i knew catfish. i hope to always do that...keep them in my bedside table to read again later. there is wisdom in knowing where you come from. there were many reoccuring themes. some still playing out in my life today. there was also writing of when i first met catfish. how i felt when i first fell in love, how i felt the first time i felt alone in our relationship. in these ten years, always with the ups and downs...mostly i tend to write with the downs...but they all led to this place that i am today. same story different day.

as i do, as i have always done, i find poems that feel right in the moment. there they are in my journals, reflecting life at that time. some tell their stories with pictures, some with painting, some with music...some with words that other people write. i found one that i love, one that feels like today.

even as i hold you
i think of you as someone gone
far, far away. your eyes the color
of pennies in a bowl of honey
bringing sweet light to someone else.
your black hair slipping through my fingers
is the flash of your head going
around a corner.
your smile, breaking before me,
the flippant last turn
of a revolving door,
emptying you out, changed,
away from me.

even as i hold you,
i am letting go.

-alice walker

evening jam sessions...

ever wonder what i really do with my evenings?! jam out with my beautiful baby girl...she's a rock star!...kinda...yeah, definitely!

check out the little rock goddess at:
http://www.geocities.com/vtpatriots/viking

flat tire!

yesterday i had a flat tire. and the funny thing is, i didn't even know. and the kid, and the doctor, and the squire, and gerry all stayed and helped me. it was nice to not be alone at that moment.

have you ever felt like a flat tire? like you were able to deflate - become liquid - become a puddle - a puddle of nothing? and some kid rides by on his bike and splashes you around. and you end up on the sidewalk - where you inevitably get caught on the bottom of someone's shoe. stuck in gum and dirt. to land on that person's carpet to be vacuumed up and thrown out with the garbage. and you end up in the grass - meanwhile some dog walks by and takes a piss on you. and you end up stuck to the kid's bike wheels - where you are promptly ridden on all the way down the street, onto the driveway and into the garage. the garage - where you would collect with all the other dirt until years later the kid moves out and his parents finally decide to clean out the garage so they can sell the house...

and i say, 'FUCK YOU dog, take a piss somewhere else!'

i just go on singing ween, 'goddamn right it's a beautiful day'...